The challenger set to the culmination of his craft – the battering of his SPAM, while the Iron Chef explained to the cameras, “There’s a start and there’s a finish. I’ve lost track of the start, I’m somewhere in the middle.” The challenger was overcome with pride and was shouting, “You see this?” as he dashed tempura into the bubbling oil. “You’re sloppy and you’re disgusting – I see that!” the Iron Chef rebutted before looking into the oil and observing, “They’re like little sperm… and little boats – little sperm riding little boats.”

A lull came over the kitchen and the video camera captured what can best be described as a most bizarrely heterosexual flirting between the Iron chef and a member of the camera crew. A “chink, chink, clink, bink, bink” was declared and a general toast was raised. Moments later the Iron Chef came to the horrifying realization that his hands were stained yellow – yet a further moment's passage and he was happily noticing that the challenger’s tempura SPAM resembled floating skinned cow carcasses. He had this to say in explaining himself, “I’m studied and equivocal.” The Challenger, taking in the whole episode in slack jawed disbelief, said for the record, “I have no idea what the Iron Chef is talking about.”

Not long after, the Challenger burned his hand with hot oil, ensuring that he would not escape the evening’s ordeal without injury. The Iron Chef took a renewed interest in cooking and hand-fed bits of egg to the camera crew. A camera man was incredulous about what he described as “mustard eggs.” The Iron Chef was noticeably excited, “You like mustard?” he asked. “Yeah.” “You like eggs?” “Yeah.” “Mustard eggs!” “But I like lamb and Ice cream also.” “I’m glad you brought that up. That’s the essence of Iron Chef. I like lamb, I like ice cream,” “So why not paint them together?” the challenger finished the thought for the Iron Chef and everyone was happy.

The challenger returned to his own dish and began to brag, “This is revolutionary. I don’t think that tempura spam has ever been done. This is what’s happening! You want to see what’s happening, you look at this!” The Iron Chef, his own dish complete, was reclining in the kitchen sofa chair, enjoying his beer. The challenger began to site the story of the tortoise and the hair but was distracted by the increasingly painful burning sensation in his hand.

Apparently the kitchen arena activity was unacceptably low because a message from the show's producers was conveyed secretly to the Iron Chef and moments later he was yanking violently on the challenger’s head band. The challenger raced in disgrace to the bathroom where he sequestered himself and wailed, “It’s not fair!” Recomposed, the challenger returned to cut impurities from his avocado and to, finally, roll his sushi.

The judges for the evening would be Hurumo Nakake, philosopher and leader of the clothing free society of Japan, Nota Roto, kid brother of Iron Chef Latvia-Micronesia, Pokuma Joruoki, the famous newspaper columnist and Stuart Goldman, eclectic New York artist.

Hurumo was first to taste the dish, “A heady, port aroma,” he said thoughtfully, wafting invisible vapors into his serene face. Nota sat beside Hurumo, ever critical of his brother he said, “The vegetables are a little Vegetably. I’m going for the SPAM – it’s big, but I’m bad.” After chewing thoughtfully, he remarked, “It’s a little on the salty side, but that’s to be expected.”

Next was Pokuma who had this to say, “It reminds me of that time when my uncle… ah, those are painful memories,” and he drifted off inconclusively. Hurumo was not yet done and he added, “When I’m naked, the food just stands up and says ‘hello’.” Pokuma, for reasons indeterminate, was having difficulties with his chopsticks and it was suspected that the cause of his impaired locomotion might be attributable to something he drank.

Stuart, having waited his turn patiently, opened his commentary in a flurry of expressive words, “The ramifications of this dish to the food service world are simply amazing. It is spicy! It is meaty! It is ricy! It is European! It is Japanese! It is everything – it is where I want to go.” His fellow judges nodded approvingly but some suspected perhaps the American simply enjoyed the sound of his own voice. The artist in him getting the better of himself, Stuart began to declare, “I need some shots! I need still shots of this!” To which an outcry of ‘Tequila!” was raised and the good artist soon found himself shivering spasmodically and with a bad taste in his mouth.

The sushi was served and Nota was the first to comment, “It looks like sushi, it smells like – holy shit, it does smell like sushi! I’m excited, I think that’s the best word. I am piqued, I’m interested, I’m titillated.” “That’s an ant on the toaster,” Pokuma said definitively.

A crowd gathered immediately around the toaster and an argument arose as to whether the ant was actually on the toaster or the blender, which was where the irritable Iron Chef had smashed it with his finger. Stuart swore he saw the journalist flick the insect from one appliance to another but Nota and Hurumo were incredulous.

Nota was next to comment on the sushi but, due to his greedy nature, his commentary was prefaced by many minutes of pitiful chewing with a gagging mouth full of sushi. When he had finally conquered the masticatory challenge (as well as the churning brew in his tummy) he said, “It tastes a little bit like fish! It reminds me of fishing on the inlet on a summer day.”

Pokuma eruditely had this to offer, “I think he used a tiny part of the sushi to add to some of the intended flavor.”
Hurumo, unbeknownst to the challenger to be a sushi connoisseur, had this to say, “Too much rice – indicative of cheapness.”

The tasting broke down when it was noticed that a pair of chopsticks were on the floor and no one wanted to fess up their ownership.

Stuart was first to comment, “It’s like somebody built a fortress out of strawberries-” “And ravaged it with a big pork pike!” Nota finished the thought before he added, “It’s like sweet and sour pork.” “I’m going to have to imagine that this is Sweet and Sour pork to finish it,” Stuart responded. Nota was more acceptant of the dish, “I’m totally fascinated. I’m eating slow – that’s the mark of-” at this point he became overly excited and dropped the SPAM fruit roll on the floor. Pokuma chose his words carefully, “It’s like candy, but it’s got pork in it.”

Pokuma said, “The caramel has a strong, overpowering taste. He could have added bread and it would’ve still tasted the same. Nota commented, “The caramel encompasses and enwraps any failure the pork may have.” Hurumo mused wistfully, “I taste beautiful Brazilian women… sequined bikinis.” Finally Stuart said, “It is like a summer evening with my ex wife; I’m wearing leather she’s wearing a bikini, maybe nothing.” before he began smearing the caramel on his face in a strange display that can be explained only as ‘living art.’

Iron Chef's Final Comments: “Let me explain the state of the Turmeric. There’s turmeric on everything. There’s turmeric in the bathroom on the toilet seat. There’s turmeric on that towel, there’s turmeric on that towel, there’s turmeric all over my hands, there’s probably turmeric on Jason, there’s probably turmeric on Pushkar… on Aaron.*”

*Although turmeric was not discovered to be found on these supposed people, it was found, the next morning, to be all over the the Iron Chef’s underpants.

Iron Chef Chef Micronesia-Latvia	The Challenger, Irawata Smith
SPAM strips Buttermilk pancake mix 2 eggs Turmeric Paprika Tabasco Pepper Italian seasoning Red bell pepper Broccoli Zuchinni Mushrooms Olive Oil Diced garlic Soy sauce Steamed Rice Garlic powder	SPAM strips Tempura batter Cucumber Avacado Mazola Oil Sushi Rice Seasoned Rice Vinegar Toasted sesame seeds Seaweed wrap

Iron Chef SPAM - pt 2