Scientific Psychological Review Personality Test
The James Madison Institute, in conjunction with the University of Pittsburgh recently released the master clinical personality test that has been in use in the nation’s top clinical psychiatric wards for the past ten years. This test was used as a preliminary personality gauge and also as a tool to identify early signs of psychological instability.
A pencil and paper are needed. There are 10 questions. Choose the answer that best describes you.
1)
In a crowded place I feel:
a) Uncomfortable; the situation is too stressful
b) Happy; I love being around so much activity
c) Insignificant; I realize how meaningless I am
d) Erotic; all these people so close together turns me on
2)
I would be most likely to dream about:
a) Arriving at work/school completely naked or Incurring a physical deformity
b) Losing something or feeling out of place myself
c) Beating goats with a T-ball bat
d) Mild sexual situations
e) Non-missionary sexual positions
f) Falling or being trapped
g) Accidentally putting on my shoes before my socks
3)
Pick one:
a) A big red cylinder
b) A black ring
c) A green ball
d) A yellow square
e) A naughty nun
4)
I would most likely spend a Christmas bonus on:
a) gifts for my friends or family
b) pornographic material or phone sex
c) non-fiction books or fitness equipment
d) stocks or bonds
e) lottery tickets
f) donations for the poor
5)
The two most important things in my life are:
a) family and church
b) sex and professional wrestling
c) friends and pornography
d) learning and eating good food
e) being loved and watching sports
f) this question is stupid!
6)
Foremost, I would describe myself as
a) physically attractive
b) intellectual
c) easy going
d) easy
e) determined
7)
Peanut butter should be:
a) smooth
b) chunky
c) unsweetened
d) I don’t care as long as the Labrador likes it
8)
I think that:
a) The government requires an intelligent financial plan and abortion should be illegal and church mandatory.
b) Abortion should be legal and minorities, women, other countries, children, animals, plants and homosexuals are helpless and incompetent and need to be saved from themselves, whatever the cost.
c) If only I had a little respect, people would listen to my radical ideas.
d) I wonder if anyone would bother me if I moved to Argentina?
9)
I exercise by:
a) Standing up, sitting down and moving from place to place, just as man has for centuries.
b) Participating in a variety of activities similar to: playing sports, hiking, biking, swimming, lifting weights or using gym equipment.
c) Grueling long distance runs or bike rides on my own because others would just slow me down.
d) Daily, multi-hour visits to the gym, supplemented by a special diet.
10)
When meeting someone new, initially, I:
a) am friendly and outgoing
b) repress my animal urge to protect my territory
c) am shy
d) judge the wealth of the newcomer by their clothing
Scoring:
Keep track of two points totals, your ‘red’ points and your ‘blue’ points.
1)
a) + 2red b) +1 blue c) –1 blue d) +2 blue
2)
a) +2 red, +1blue b) +1 red c) +2blue d) +1blue e) +1red f) +2 red, -1blue g) 0
3)
a) +1 blue b) +1 red, +1 blue c) 0 d) +1 red e) +1 blue
4)
a) +1 red b) +2 blue c) +1 red d) +2 red e) –1 red, +1 blue f) –1 blue
5)
a) 0 b) +2 blue c) +1 blue d) +1 red e) 0 f) –1 blue
6)
a) 0 b) +1 red c) – 1 red d) +1 blue e) +2 red
7)
a) +1 red b) 0 c) +1 red, +1 blue d) +2 blue
8)
a) +1 red, -1 blue b) –1 red, -1 blue c) 0 d) +1 blue
9)
a) –1 blue b) 0 c) +2 red d) +1 red, +1 blue
10)
a) 0 b) +1 blue c) +1 red d) you’re stupid
The red scale
9-15 points
You are anal retentive, and have the empathy of a computer. You relate poorly to other people, are obsessive over details and see self improvement as life’s only goal. There is a potential threat of schizophrenia in you stemming from your analytical understanding that nobody really likes you and you are powerless to change. Your totem mammal is a meerkat
3-8 points
You are known for being analytical, skeptical and a hard worker, yet you relate well with others and enjoy a good time. Your totem mammal is very large indeed.
1-3 points
You are either pretty well balanced or a total flake, unable to settle on anything or create a coherent opinion. Possible threat of mental instability and confusion. Your totem mammal is a Spaniel.
-3-0 points
You are a free spirit, you take direction poorly and trust to your own capricious opinion to lead you through a life of financial chaos and ambiguous personal relationships. The lack of purpose to your life and your neglect of reality creates the potential for schizophrenia. Your totem mammal is a jackrabbit.
The blue scale
9-13
You are a certifiable lunatic! The only people who take you seriously are others who share in your insane perversion. Societal rationale has no meaning to you and you are prone to sociopathic, self-serving habits. Immediate institutionalization is recommended. Your favorite Jack Nicholson movie: You can't decide between One Flew Over the Cookoo's Nest and The Shining
4-8 points
There is a fine line between interesting and crazy and boy are you riding it. Your favorite Jack Nicholson movie: China Town
-1 to 3 points
Few would disagree that your personality is best described as boring. Your favorite Jack Nicholson movie: As Good as it Gets
-6 to -2 points
You are certifiably boring! The only people who take you seriously are others who share in your insane lack of personality. Societal rationale has no meaning to you and you are prone to sociopathic, self-serving habits. Immediate institutionalization is recommended. Your favorite Jack Nicholson movie: About Schmidt