Sir Suppleynapples

(Fr. Suppinabilis –‘has read pine forests’)

As did all of the knights of the Round Table, Sir Suppleynapples yearned for an epic quest that would bring him fame and fortune. On the eve of Tonymas as Arthur and his knights were preparing to sit down to feast, a messenger entered the hall and announced to everyone, “A giant has descended from the hills bearing the legendary codpiece of Hercules. He is residing to the east in Brixton.” The codpiece ( as everyone knew ) bestows upon its wearer both a tremendous strength and a tremendous stupidity, and makes the wearer impervious to wounds. Arthur acquiesced that the codpiece would indeed be a good prize, and instructed Sir Suppleynapples to retrieve it. Although Sir Suppleynapples realized that Arthur had selected him only because all of the good knights were already on quests, he quickly agreed to undertake the quest ( after verifying that the giant was indeed not actually wearing the codpiece, but simply in possession of it ).

Accompanied by his young squire Dareleth, Sir Suppleynapples mounted and set out at once. They rode for a number of days and came to a dark forest. At the edge of the forest stood a brachet. They entered the forest and the brachet followed at a short distance. As they were riding Sir Suppleynapples would look back to see if the brachet was still following, and each time it appeared to him as if the brachet were growing larger. Sir Suppleynapples grew nervous and when the brachet was nearly the size of his horse, he called a halt. The brachet stopped as well. Sir Suppleynapples selected a stone from the side of the path and hurled it at the brachet. He struck the animal on the nose, and it howled in pain. It’s eyes then narrowed and it transformed its head into that of a snake and its claws into those of an anteater. The beast charged and Sir Suppleynapples couched his spear and charged as well. As they neared, the beast leaped over Sir Suppleynapples’ spear and with one swipe of it’s long claws it severed his head from his shoulders. Dareleth scolded the animal loudly, shaking his arms above his head. The beast tucked it’s tail between it’s legs and scurried off into the woods.

Taking up Sir Suppleynapples’ head and body, Dareleth rode to the castle of a sorceress. She greeted the boy and when she beheld the wounded Sir Suppleynapples, she had pity, for she had never met him. She placed Sir Suppleynapples’ head back on his shoulders and applied the herb of houndswort around the wound. She uttered an incantation which magically sealed the wound. Moments later Sir Suppleynapples opened his eyes and looked about. The sorceress greeted him and told him he could stay for as long as was necessary. Over the following days Sir Suppleynapples took full advantage of her offer. He ate good food, and drank good drink and made no implications of ever leaving. Finally after a fortnight had passed the sorceress cast a spell on Sir Suppleynapples which caused him to think that the walls of the castle were closing in on him. In a panic he gathered his belongings ( along with a few of the sorceress’ ) and he fled the castle with Dareleth who was at a loss to his lord’s haste.

As their travels continued their supplies grew thin and soon all that was left was hard crackers. “We must obtain fresh provisions,” Sir Suppleynapples bemoaned “I have had it with these dolorous crackers, and from this day on I swear to never eat another!” This bold edict left him with nothing to eat, but through fortune they happened upon a castle. The duke of the castle hailed Sir Suppleynapples from the wall, and when Sir Suppleynapples explained his need of hospitality the duke declared that he would have to best him in battle if he wished to earn his meal. Behind the duke Sir Suppleynapples spotted his wife, the duchess. Sir Suppleynapples was struck by her beauty and she by his. Sir Suppleynapples responded to the duke, “I will meet your challenge, but I insist that it must be on neutral ground. I propose we meet at the shore of the lake I passed a few miles back.” The duke consented and Sir Suppleynapples turned and rode back down the road. But as soon as he was out of sight of the castle he rode into the woods and returned to the castle. He waited near the castle and soon the drawbridge was lowered and the duke rode out fully armored. Sir Suppleynapples waited until the duke had passed and then he slipped out of hiding and rode into the castle before the bridge was drawn back up. Within the castle he was met by the beautiful duchess who brought him to the banquet hall and served him a great feast. After eating they then retired to the duke’s bedchamber.

After making ardent love to the duchess Sir Suppleynapples fell into a blissful sleep, and would have slept all night if Dareleth had not awoken him. Sir Suppleynapples praised Dareleth for a wisdom beyond his years and he gathered the duke’s best silverware post-haste. As they rode from the castle the sun was setting, and they were not a moment to soon, for the duke returned minutes after sunset.

They rode for two more days and on the morning of the third they arrived at Brixton. Sir Suppleynapples went to the prince of Brixton: “My lord, has your domain recently been accosted by a giant of foul temperament?”. The prince told Sir Suppleynapples, “We slew that heathen in the woods and left his body for the wolves.” Not wanting to alert the prince to the value of the codpiece, Sir Suppleynapples said nothing further and took his leave.

With the help of a foul stench Sir Suppleynapples was soon able to find the giant’s body in the woods. But as he discovered it, so did another knight; Sir Adief “the Heretic”, a most feared and uncouth knight. He glowered at Sir Suppleynapples: “I claim the body of this giant and all it’s possessions, if you challenge my claim I will destroy you. I know you are a knight of the round table, but I fear no one, including Sir Launcelot.”

“Good sir I assume that you know the codpiece that the giant grips is the fabled codpiece of Hercules.” said Sir Suppleynapples

“Of course, why else would I travel across the country in search of a stinky carcass.” said Sir Adief.

“By all means, take it. Jesu knows that you are the hardiest and therefore most worthy between us.” said Sir Suppleynapples. Sir Adief dismounted, watching Sir Suppleynapples dubiously, and grabbed the fabled codpiece, which glowed with godliness. As he pulled it on, Sir Adief laughed: “You shall be the first to die at my hands, fool!” But as he pulled the codpiece snugly into place it was Sir Suppleynapples’ turn to laugh; for the codpiece could only be worn by a true Christian, which Sir Adief “the Heretic” was not; and Sir Adief was instantly reduced to a pile of tasty pork sausage. Sir Suppleynapples victoriously snatched up the codpiece and bowed as Dareleth applauded. He then stepped into the codpiece and pulled it up to his waist. As he made it fast he felt his strength augmented greatly. His body bulged with muscles and he was forced to remove most of his armor, but he did so gladly in the knowledge that his skin was now unassailable.

In the months that followed he rode about the country taking on all comers, he rescued maidens, defeated tyrants, and when no tyrants were available he attacked whoever was. He soon became known as both a blessing and a scourge. Because of his near nakedness ( and barbaric disposition ) he was known as “nature man”. It was widely known that the source of his powers was the codpiece, and many a jealous knight connived to steal it. Many tried with force but were defeated soundly. King Long Wanks lost 400 men to the edge of Sir Suppleynapples’ sword. King Ulflwee had his magician create a duplicate of the peerless Sir Launcelot by means of arcane sorcery, and he sent the duplicate after Sir Suppleynapples. The pair fought for four days, but some time before half past four on the fourth evening the clone collapsed due to a loss of blood, and the undefeated reign of the “nature man” continued.

Of those who followed Sir Suppleynapples’ exploits none was more envious than Sir Sven. Sir Sven was of a most cunning breed of knight descended from the lineage of a polish lord. On the eve of Tonymas he invited “nature man” to a great feast to be held in his honor at Svendelot ( Sir Sven’s magnificent castle ). The egotistic nature man could not deny Sir Sven’s supplication and attended the feast. He arrived in full splendor, with a train of forty retainers, and one hundred knights who had all sworn allegiance to him.

The preceding day Sir Sven had locked himself in his tower swearing that he would not come out until he had devised a means of taking the codpiece from nature man. He had remained there all day thinking arduously. First he reasoned that it would not be possible to remove the codpiece forcibly; he would have to fool nature man into removing it voluntarily. He then thought that perhaps he could ambush nature man while he relieved himself; but determined that nature man probably didn’t fully remove the codpiece, and defending himself would only be a matter of pulling it back up. He then reasoned that nature man probably bathed in the codpiece and that there would be no point in trying to get it then either. Then as the sun was setting, a magnificent idea struck Sir Sven. He knew of all of the codpiece’s properties and he knew that it made nature man impulsive, hormonal and lacking in common sense. He flew from the tower and went to his sorceress, and asked her if she could cast a spell on a woman, that would fill the woman with an uncontrollable lust for the first man she set eyes on. His sorceress said she could. Sir Sven then went to the noblewomen of his court, and being a just lord, he selected one of them in a random manner. He took the selected maid back to his sorceress who cast the spell over her. She was then confined to a room with strict orders that no man was to see her.

The next day after all of the gentry had arrived, everyone was gathered in the great hall and they had a feast, the like of which has only graced this earth but few times. Wine flowed copiously and many great meats and sweets were eaten ( although Sir Suppleynapples attested that none rivaled in flavor a particular pork sausage he had once eaten ). The feast went long into the night, and Sir Suppleynapples was the recipient of much praise for his past valor and prowess. As the night drew on many of the guests excused themselves, until few were left at the table. Finding that there was no one left to praise him, Sir Suppleynapples grew bored and excused himself as well.

When he opened the door to his room he discovered a woman sitting on his bed. She was very excited to see him. She clung lustfully to his body and praised his muscles as well as other things. He removed the codpiece and climbed into bed with her. Only moments after he climbed into bed, a dwarf with a fat nose and a wide mouth burst into the room and grabbed the codpiece. Sir Suppleynapples jumped out of bed and chased the dwarf, who had fled into the hall. He tackled the dwarf, and slammed him against the flagstones. The dwarf hurled the codpiece away as he fell. Sir Suppleynapples saw Sir Sven, in armor, pick up the codpiece. Sir Suppleynapples got up and charged him. He tackled Sir Sven and they both fell down a flight of stone stairs. Sir Sven lost his helm and hit his head on the stairs a number of times on the way down. At the base of the stairs, two of Sir Sven’s knights were waiting; brandishing their swords. Sir Suppleynapples took Sir Sven’s sword and fought them. As they fought, Sir Suppleynapples incurred many wounds. Finally he was able to sever the right arm of one knight to the bone. He then fought the other, one on one, and struck his head with the flat of his sword. The blow was so hard that the knight bled from the ears, eyes, nose, mouth, and hair. Sir Suppleynapples then prudently put the codpiece back on. He looked up the stairs and saw the maiden waiting for him, and as he was re-invigorated with the power of the magic codpiece; he was overcome with lust. He ran up the stairs and taking the maiden up in his arms he carried her to his room. He took off the codpiece and climbed in bed with her once again. Just as he was beginning to think that he might have made a bad decision, he heard a noise in the room. He jumped out of bed and discovered the dwarf making fast the codpiece about himself. Sir Suppleynapples tackled the dwarf in desperate hopes of stripping off the codpiece, but the dwarf grabbed him in a steely grip, and then tossed Sir Suppleynapples out a window and into the moat. The dwarf flexed his newly acquired muscles, and as he was doing so he tasted his own blood on his lips. Remembering the odious tackle that the nature man had delivered him, he ran to the window. He saw Sir Suppleynapples floundering his way to the bank of the moat. The dwarf was infuriated and without a second thought he dove out the window. He landed beside Sir Suppleynapples, grabbed him, and drug him to the bottom of the moat.

When Sir Sven awoke he scoured the castle, and not finding Sir Suppleynapples he sent out teams to scour the countryside. But no evidence of the pair was found. They were never seen again and with them vanished the legendary codpiece of Hercules.

Tony Ventrice, March 1998